Just a little bit inside my brain.

Perspective is an interesting thing. When you look at a person, you see their face. Their smile, their eyes. You hear the way they talk, but until you get to know them, you will never be exposed to what’s inside. Technically, they may say a phrase or two from their thoughts, they could even tell you every thought they have until it goes too fast to keep track. But in reality, you will never know HOW. How does that brain of theirs turn? How does it process each sight, every sound that comes out of your mouth. We will never know, because everyone is different. Sometimes, it drives me crazy. I just want them to know. I want to scream from the rooftops how I feel. What is it like to be me? They don’t understand. So hopefully you will.

“What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds.”
-Wayne Dyer

Sometimes, it just feels right.

This week my entire world got turned upsidown.

When  you meet that one person, you will know it. They send your mind and emotions spinning, and your insides get so confused that you just want to shout for joy, but scream in terror all at the same time, because everything they do is changing you. Changing every single one of your plans, where you thought you were going to be in the next few years, and even who you thought you were in love with.

I am so in love with him, but that’s the craziest part. Somehow it just feels right. With everything around you sent spinning, your emotions on a rollar coaster, somehow, you feel completely still. Somehow, you just know.

Completely Alone.

Wherever you go, there they are. The people. You grew up in a house full of them.  You got used to seeing them, hearing them, being around them. The grocery store, the gym, the workplace. Everywhere you go is full of people. People, who know other people, and talk to more people, creating one large social group of people that don’t leave you ALONE.

 

Alone.. I get to be alone sometimes.

Every night, after work, I put on my sweats and sit in my bed with the hope of being alone for once. It’s just me and the keyboard until I get distracted by social media, a big internet dump of people and their opinions, the funniest videos they’ve seen, and everything that has been going on in their lives for the past two years, because somehow after an entire day of people, I sit down finally alone, and feel the need to socialize with others, making me not really desiring to be alone at all.

Alone. I was alone once.

The other night I sat in my basement after everyone had gone to sleep just to think to myself with no inturruptions. The heat rolled off my back like a good feeling, and for once I was at peace with myself thinking it was just me and the fireplace. How I wish I could stay there alone.

Alone. I wish I could be alone

Every time I stay up late just to be under the stars while the whole world is asleep, a voice in my head tells me that I should be in bed. “Normal people don’t do this” it says. ….

These voices, the people, the noises.

WILL THEY EVER LEAVE ME ALONE?

.. If only.

I will never be.

I will never be.

Completely

By myself.

HELLO WORLD. (An introduction.)

Hi. My name is Hannah. Ever since Elementary school I believed I was shy. I never had more than a few friends, and didn’t always feel comfortable being myself around everyone. Since then, I’ve mostly broken out of my small turtle shell and moved on and out of my own head, being able to express my thoughts and desires as required in many social situations.

However, as a natural introvert, I tend to believe that I can think deeply, write something inspiring, or maybe just change the world someday. Although that’s probably not going to happen, I like to think I can try by sharing some of my deepest thoughts and words on this little blog I like to call, perspective. I call it perspective, because I want you to get in my head. Really know what it’s like to be someone like me, and perhaps I can enlighten you on some things.

Enjoy!

A small awkward conversation

Until now, I have never truly comprehended the true significance of the statement, “elephant in the room.”

Of course we small talked; there is always small talk, but his eyes told me that he came to talk about something else. Something, he wasn’t sure of how to bring up. Eventually, after listening to several minutes of me babbling on about my problems, and how I had a lot to do today, he decided to give up and said he should go, because I had so much to do. I am sort of glad we never discussed the awkward. My face would have turned red, not knowing what to say, and he would explain how he thought there was no hope for us, because we would be parting ways soon. On the other hand, I wanted to finish something that was left unresolved without an explanation. Whether or not I should have gotten involved with him in the first place, knowing all the time there was no future for it, remains left in the open.   I didn’t want this to turn into anything, but he looked oh so attractive sitting on that chair. Talking to me and eating ice cream. He did expect to see me later in the day, but I am satisfied at the good moment we had to end. Walking around and chatting like we were friends. I wish our relationship could’ve stayed that way forever.

A smile

Try an experiment for me. Next time you walk by someone, smile. If they smile back say hello. Return their smile with an even bigger one. Keep in mind, you may have just made that person’s day.

Doorbell

Sitting here, in this chair, contemplating thoughts relating to thoughts and how they work, when suddenly,a doorbell. It is loud, and buzzes a little bit at the end. The loudness is still buzzing through my head. DENG. Its not a ding nor a dong, but somewhere in between. As soon as I realize it has rung, I get up to answer the door, set my laptop down on the chair and open the door. A rush of cold hits my neck and my feet, as the cold weather night swoops in, along with my hurried roommate on the phone. Confused, I asked her why she rang the doorbell, when she had only walked out the door moments earlier. She was on the phone, and in quite a hurry, but she said it was an accident, and tromped through the living room, then back out only a split second later. It is all a flash and my feet are cold. The confusion of the noise brings out Chelsea. I explained a little what happened, but in the back of my head, I can only think of how sad it is, that I will never see her again after this brief encounter. She leaves for the airport tomorrow, because the semester is over. I will be losing all of my roommates to go home to my family. Chelsea laughs at my last comment attempting to end our relationship on a good word, and bare-footed, walks back to her room in a manner that seems giddy, and fun. Just like she always is. She will probably peek in at me sleeping as she heads out the door.

Perfection

Sometimes I feel the need to be perfect. With the nagging media, and their ideal images, it truly is impossible. Although, sometimes there’s a thing or two I can control. For example, the page you are looking at now. I can’t seem to control it enough however, seeing as I have changed the theme at least fifteen times. I cannot concentrate when my environment is a cluttered mess. This is ironic, because I am pretty sure I was born with a cluttered mess of a brain anyways. My grandmother once said, “In this family we all have ADD, but we use OCD to cope with that ADD.” I wish you could understand how true this is. When my mind is all over the place, cleaning the counter seems to be the only thing I can control. Is that why I like crafts so much? So I can tweak and cut, and beautify every detail? I am glad this is the way I deal, instead of nipping at myself. Those who do not believe they are perfect for who they are and nothing else are sad. And that is sad. This is why eating disorders are such a problem in our society. The devil is doing everything he can to bring you down, and for 90% of the world, I’d say he’s succeeded. Is that really what we want to give into? Don’t let someone who envies you, because you have a body, make you think that you have a reason to envy everyone else. Look at what you have already. Life is wonderful.